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| falling in love in all the wrong places fell for his heart without realizing what his face is or name is everything about him seemed so sweet and honestly honesty shoulda been my speciality because maybe procrastinating something good was worth the wait feeling so fake analyzing exactly what this is who maybe wrong the more we hide the more you drift apart the more your kisses feel like strawberry campaigne the more your attitude drives me insane we both playing this game the same we must be lame its flamboyant we dont deserve eachother but were both worth it i work at it because i know i earnt it when it comes to love and you loving you is perfect .... | | |
| Well as most of you guys that DO read my blogs might know that even though im of young age I have been through a lot and well today I will talk about a little more about myself. In the past 4 years I became completely obsessed about my image to be more detailed my weight. I was always thick (big thighs big butt flat stomach) but after I had a miscarriage I gained a tons of weight based on stress and depression. So after I came out of one of the deepiest depressions I ever had my weight was my main priority. Everyday I stared at myself hating the person looking back. In my neighborhood all the girls hated me when I had a flat stomach but now that I was fat everyone just seemed to just laugh whenever I walked by. I felt humiliated and ashamed of who I was. Instead of just simply losing the weight I tried to cope and just tried to improve my looks but even then I still felt ugly. So after that I tried to trick myself into thinking I was pretty and I built a fake confidence. Everyone around me thought I was sooo confident and that I was sure I was pretty but little did they know I was my worst enemy years past by and I was still struggling with myself. I fell into such a great depression that I ended up turning to marijuana. Yes I know it is bad but when I was high I felt confident sure and I felt good about myself I know that wasn't the right way to deal with my problems but at the time it was the best I could of done due to the fact I had no support from no one. Instead of helping me everyone just judged me and kept telling me "you're so pretty if you would just lose weight you'd be perfect". In my mind I wanted to believe I was perfect there were many nights I couldn't sleep because I had one thought plaguing my mind "i have to lose weight". So when months passed and my depression grew drugs were the only thing I could depend on. After a while people started telling me "hey you look good you're losing a lot of weight". At that point I was losing a lot of weight because every time I was hungry instead of feeding myself I would grab a joint and starve myself after 3 months my condition got worse. Now at the end of the 3 months im still not pleased with my weight and I don't depend on drugs anymore for weight loss I have a healthy appetite but I smoke its the only time I am completely feel comfortable with the person I am. And up until now I never spoke about this subject not even my boyfriend knows but I think if he was to know it still wouldn't make such of a difference because this is something I gotta deal with by myself and hopefully one day I can finally be okay with the person staring back at me when I look at the mirror.
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| I've always been a emotional person with a tough exterior but i never stopped myself from crying when i had to i saw it as therapy..But for some odd reason i face myself in multiple struggles in my life and i feel extremely hurt i mean HURT but i cant cry i never had a problem crying before but for some reason not even a single tear and the more days that pass the more hurt i feel i don't really know what to do.
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| Today while i was stressing myself about certain situations in my life i failed to realize all the blessings god has given me.
Here's a list:
He has blessed me with another day of life.
He has given the opportunity to return to high school instead of becoming a dropout.
He has blessed me with a roof over my head which some people don't have.
And while i might not have the most perfect health in the world i still have the strength to conquer everyday on this earth.
So next time i complain about anything ill try to look at my blessings and thank god for the life he has given me...
To end this blog i would like to leave a quote written by William Shakespeare and it goes as follows:
THIS ABOVE ALL:
To thine ownself be true
A quote i live by because at the end of the day the only person you need to "keep it real" with is yourself.
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| Okay let's face it every girl has worn make-up at least once in their lifetime but is it a hidden message? Well im going to give my honest opinion towards this subject based on my life and anyone is welcomed to agree or disagree with me.
During the last 6 years maybe longer than that; i have been through a journey of discovering who i am as a person what i'm worth, and appearance played a major part in that. I can never say i was the "outcast" in school or that i was one of the "popular" kids but one thing i can say was that i was always confused about which group or with whom i fit in with. Through out the years i became known as the "bitch" or "brain" but no one knew exactly what to label me besides having a pretty face and just a little thicker than the "popular girls". As a kid i was always emotional so when people told me i was pretty i would take that and think of a way that i can make myself prettier on the outside than i already was. That's when i bumped into make-up so i started facing my "ugliness" with doing my eyebrows straightening my natural curls wearing make-up and buying clothes that were "in". At that point i didn't realized that i had subjected myself into what media considered pretty. Throughout the whole experience i saw that i wasn't only lying to myself but that in fact the clothes the make-up and the quote on quote style did not change what i was trying to hide all along.....My weight i was never satisfied which whatever i weighed and that made me even more vulnerable to what people had to say. I discovered that no matter what i do (put make-up on, lose weight) people were still going to comment on my life, appearance, and actions. So i came to the conclusion that its okay to change yourself but only to satisfy you not to fit in to society. If you choose to wear make-up do not do it to hide your imperfections do it to embrace the beautiful person you are because at the end of the day if you're not pleased with yourself and how you are then who is. Love yourself first before wanting the love of others and hey who knows maybe you'll bump into a guy who thinks you're beautiful naturally without your hair straightened without make-up and without name brand clothes. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
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